How to Pretend Like You Actually Read the New York Times


Hey. Are you tired of people perceiving you as a ignoble troglodyte without taste or any insightful comments to offer on the intricacies of global geopolitics? Don’t worry — UTB has you covered. Just follow these tips, and everyone around you will be worshipping you like the intelligent, politically opinionated Times reader you deserve to be.

1) Say “Have you seen the review in the Times?”

This is critical. Asking people at random times if they’ve seen the latest review in the Times is a surefire way to convince them that you probably have a vested interest in culture and fine arts. If they try to get you to elaborate — which they won’t — just apologize and say you have a Mensa meeting you have to get to.

2) Wax philosophical about crossword puzzles

Talk about crossword puzzles as if…

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